How to give a Cat & Dog a pill
CAT:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat
opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
vigorously rub cat's throat.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible
from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take
taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with
cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink
beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek
and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to
cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new
one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take
last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour
2 pints of water down throat to wash
pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect
mutant cat from hell and ring local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
DOG: Wrap pill in bacon,
cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.
Why do dogs hate Halloween.......
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For all those who have ever lost a pet...
RAINBOW BRIDGE
Just this side of Heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all our special friends, so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals that had been ill or old are restored to health and vigour, those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them, in our dreams of days gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one stops and looks into the distance. The bright eyes are intent; the eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together………….
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Another touching item about the cycle of life & losing a dear friend... Sure to pull on even the hardest heart strings.....
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A Few Funny Pictures!!
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Driving too fast?? |
Beware: Purse snatching scam! |
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Pictures here are not of any of the animals owned by members of this team.
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PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -
nose height.
Dear
Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes
are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of
my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor
do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to
the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster
than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs
and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to
sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try
to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have
been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not
required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot
stress this enough!
(Picture is from allfunnypictures.com - well worth a look!!)
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our front door:
To
All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's
why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better
than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" pounds for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
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Dog philosophy - Good Reading
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his
tail instead of his
tongue.
Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you
are wonderful.
Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where
they went.
Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he
loves himself.
Josh Billing
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And
in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has
ever made.
M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people,
who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and
hate.
Sigmund Freud
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult.
Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down.
Robert Benchley
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
Franklin P. Jones
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known
will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to £3.00 a can. That's
almost £21.00 in dog money.
Joe Weinstein
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come
back from the supermarket with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half a
cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the
idea.
Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a
man.
Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that
says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in
your pocket and then give him only two of
them.
Phil Pastore
God, help me be the person my dog thinks I am.
Bumper sticker quoted by Lynn Schooler
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Things dogs must try and remember...
I will not
play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The dustbin man is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee
table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, Fox mess, etc.
"Kitty litter trays" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after
processing.
The nappy bag is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's
raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license
and car registration.
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Arrhh How Cute!!!
Pictures shown here are not of team members dogs or cats.
